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James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. NIV

 

Pre-marriage counseling is always an interesting part of ministry. I will not perform a ceremony for any couple unless they first agree to do pre-marriage counseling. It gives them a fighting chance to see their relationship as they enter covenant with each other. It also serves to show some couples where the cracks in the foundation may already be appearing so they can “head things off at the pass”, so to speak. It all starts with an inventory taken to assess the current health of the relationship. We then celebrate the strengths and focus on the potential help areas before the wedding vows are taken.

 

One such exercise I often use for those who have trouble communicating is called “Active Listening”.  It is an exercise where one partner expresses a need or frustration. The other partner, before responding, has to repeat what they heard their partner say. Once the original communicator confirms that their partner heard their statement correctly, they can then respond. It is now the turn of the other partner to repeat what they have heard and then respond. It is a slow and excruciating process but if you can successfully practice it I can almost guarantee you that your marriage will work. It slows the conversation down enough to allow the communicators to actually hear and comprehend what their spouses are saying.

 

The thing is, it is easier to be an active talker. It is not always easy to be an active listener. This very fact is what James tells us gets us into trouble in James 1:19-20. Through years of ministry, I have discovered that what I have said may not always be what was received. I can also recall poorly responding to comments I haven’t really heard correctly. The truth is that my defence, my agenda, my point of view, my anxiety and insecurity, and my pride will close my ears, open my mouth, and expose my anger. It certainly brings to light the words Jesus emphasized when he said, “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks”.

 

If we are too busy advocating our point we often spend too much time formulating a response to a comment we may not have actually heard correctly. The angry society we are now living in is a case in point. One really good prayer is, “Lord, let me be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because my anger will never bring about the righteous life you desire in me.” I like the way Eugene Peterson interprets this verse in The Message…“Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God’s righteousness doesn’t grow from human anger.”